Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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