My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
