Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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