i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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