I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
