Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize