sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
