update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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