I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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