seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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