he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
