That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
