You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
