it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
