oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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