I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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