I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
