This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize