After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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