Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
