just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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