i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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