Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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