I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
