Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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