my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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