i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
