Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
