This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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