He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
