The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
