i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need a beard to bite.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
