How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
