I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
