Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Holy shit dude........stairs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
