It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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