I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
