I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
