Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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