That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
