they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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