do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
