Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ttyl tear gas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
