Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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