i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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