she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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