so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
