I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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