I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
