dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
