do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
