JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
