I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
