Christians are straight up FREAKS
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i've created a new STD.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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