Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
